There is a dick on my bed so I sing for free beer
by grimmjow Kurosaki Drake
Summary: Crhis/Steve I didn't knew where to put it


**Warning: I don't speak english it isn't my mother language I'm a spanish speaker so it could be grammar errors if there is please don't be shy and tell me I'm open to any sort of help.**

**thanks u**

* * *

They have already talked about this. A million times like a chilf who is just in love with his preschool teacher.

They love each others, a lot, it's just that... one suffers more than the other, one gives more than the other, and one. Definitely. Feel it deper than the other one.  
And Steve can't blame Chris for not loving him the way he does. But every day is more painful than the last. And Steve believes in love more than anything else.  
crap.  
He writes love, plays love, he sings love and he can't help but think that every ballad that touch his lips, every note caressing his guitar burns as hell, and feel like another Jacks drink in the throat, bitter, bitter as hell and like fire, like laval like bile, as desperation.

And it is terrible because ...

Chris loves to drink Whiskey. Chris loves to drink whiskey and sing in bars as he still was teenager without a future too bright between the nostrils .  
Chris also loves to drink whiskey after sex. And Steve could not be more miserable. He knows to much about Chris and ever lived half of what he knows of him.

He's like a fucking fan.

Chris also doesn't care if anybody recognizes him singing in a bar, he loves to sing, loves the notes slding on his guitar with every song.  
With each "Thinking of you" with each " Right in the front for you"  
It is as them give him another day of life and Steve can not help thanking the music when he thinks about it.

And he believes in hate too, he's not so naive as to believe in peace without war. He knows that hate keeps him safe, he knows that the more he hates Chris then more safe he is to love him, and God thats something... nice. Scares him as hell. But it's so nice ...

He doesn't want to love Chris. Of course not. What is the point of loving someone who doesn't love you? Steve sings love but ...

Another bottle over and lyrics makes echo in the room.  
His songs, the Chris ones, Jason's, Jensen's, with Jensen, ... KANE's... with KANE .  
It's as if the ghost of that unfortunate band chase him everywhere even when he's no longer part of it.  
Finally when Steve can not count the number of bottles scattered on the floor and he simply can't compete with the baritone of "Your Song ". It's then when the sound of his phone keys are all that runs into the walls of the dilapidated motel where he has decided to stay.

There is a dick in his bed. The Dean Winchester kind of dick- and Steve can't believe he had sex with a dick like him, can't believe he let an idiot get into his skin.

He will get a venereal one good day.

He's still hearing the beep from the other side of the line. Then someone attends .

"Steve?" Is Chris. Sounds sleepy and Steve wonders how is called the girl who Chris slept with tonight. Was she tall? Tinny? Shirt? ? If she was blonde would Chris thought remotely in him?

"You know I hate you, don't you? " His voice sounds tired, but somehow he still manages to sound desperate.

There has never been a scorned person that changes and doesn't starts to wonder... -Is this what I've become? What happended to the funny girl from college? Where is the naughty boy? the artist? the passionate lover? the perfect girl?

What happended to that inocent guy who thought there was nothing more important than love and music? That boy didn't get despair. He was so. So happy...

"You're drunk," says Chris at the other side of the line. He Does not sound so sleepy anymore and Steve really expects that this change in his voice is pain.  
" You know what they say " whispers slow and can't believe that he's enjoying this "Children and drunks always speak the truth"  
" Steve..."

"No! Did you really believe for a moment that I was okay with this?" No response, nothing, not even a damn lie "No" mocks "Of course not" Chris still does not speak, the silence taste like guilt and it's not enough. "I love you" He whispers and Chris sighs.  
Steve feels so disgusted.

" Steve you ..."  
" I love you... I still do but... you just can't figure out how much I hate you" He says "And I've tried... I've tried so hard" A sob escapes from his throat, "I don't even know where I am and there is an dick on my bed" His laugh sounds more like a weep right now and it feels so good... "I don't know what's hes name... shit he was so violent that I even knew my name for a while" Chris sounds like he is choking Steve just wants to see it now. "But you know what? I've still remember your name"

" Steve..."

" Chris " He grants. His voice sounds muffled "I hate you so much" No hesitation in his voice, do not hesitate. Only says it. As if it were the most natural thing in the world. Like he was so used to the feeling. As if he had said it before. Many times.

Maybe is that what causes the muffled cry of Chris .  
Then Steve hangs.

* * *

They don't speack with each other since then. Steve doesn't return his calls. And he's too coward to speak face to face with him. How did he came to love a coward like him?

When they finally meet. There is a concert in San Diego, the land of Jared Padalecki - he cann't help but smile wistfully when he sees Steve singing on the stage.

In Texas. As if the place managed to get the better of Steve.  
There is a caravan. They've been at it for days. Chris cann't help but remember the days when Kane was joining these caravans for little more than a few free beers and the desire to be heard, even if nobody knew one of their songs.

Nobody sang " Give me one more shot" as sang "American Woman" but it was amazing anyway.  
Then Steve fell in love with him and it all went to hell.

He's not there to sing though. He's here because he wants to see Steve. He wants to hear Steve.  
He began to sing with Steve. He can't go without it. - Even when they have sung separately so many years is not the same now... it's like in somehow they actually have been separated this time, He really wants his voice back.

Then.

When he's against Steve's trailer can only think about how much he knows that trailer. They'd Just begun to get more than free liquor for his music. They bought it together. Half price. With a powerful oxidizing and a bathroom that looked like a septic tank more than anything else, then they fixed it together, they made it a home together and crap they also premiered it together.

The route was the most ridiculous thing ever, because shit Chris Illinois! Castiel Chris, was born here. And Kansas because Hold on baby Hold on! Here the Winchesters were born and Superboy! Steve you'll see when you see the fucking Tom Welling flying from Smallville. Then Dallas because Jensen has to do with this baby Chris. And Canada because if Jenny is not in Dallas has to be in his cold love nest with Jay Steve Vancouver is our next stop. Everything was perfect. Even when in San Francisco all they could say was is a P-town Chris is the P-Town!

He can still remember every moment in that trailer as when they squandered two days and two nights in a row between Steve, Jenny and Jared with seasons four to five -six of Supernatural, three packs of Canadian beer and five bottles of whiskey. Laughing at how Sam's Hunter pants fit perfectly into Jay's back. And how Pam loved it and how Becky haunted him.

Chris knows many people but Jared Padalecki is one of the few people he knows who can laugh at themselves and not to forget their virtues.

The knock on the door somehow hurt... almost like the words of Steve that night. Chris still wonder how was that idiot. did him look like him? if he looked like him would Steve somehow love him as before ?  
There was something about Steve's voice. Something terribly relaxing. Full of love. Steve sings of love, to all its aspects. Steve's voice is so incredibly thick and guttural. So really sincere ... He believes that anyone can fall in love with Steve reached only through his voice.

When Carlson opens the door there's something in his eyes that says he has been drinking. As his pupils dilate, as they shrink and re-expand again, the way a thin aqueous layer bore those beautiful blue eyes. He also has been drinking himselft and bring a few beers with him anyway.

"You want a drink?" The question comes out of nowhere even when he've tried maybe a million times in his head. Steve doubts a little but finally opens the trailer's door. Chris is trying to look casual sitting in the small chair-bed watching TV " You know" wavers "you were amazing" Steve takes the first beer there is an old SMASH tape on TV and nostalgia is so pathetic, it's like they were two old mans and there is nothing but old memories and a pile of dusty tapes with better moments than they can dream of having now.

"Chris " begins Steve seems embarrassed Chris imagines Steve maybe really want to apologize and Chris doesn't want Steve to apologize.

When he kisses him Steve not resist as he expected.  
He feel so desperate as he'd expected. Steve doesn't return the kiss, but still opens its mouth after several bites.  
His mouth tastes like beer and Whiskey... like licorice and Malboro too.

Chris likes to sing in bars, likes it because it reminds him a lot from those days when he played with Steve in bars for free alcohol for two minors.  
When they played a Cover of a good country singer and a few of his songs too. The two of them with their cheap acoustic guitars at that gay bar two blocks from the home of Steve. Or in that bar that smelled like urine and sex more than alcohol on the outskirts of Huston.

Whatever the place, it was amazing because there was always music and country and Texas and Steve. Now nothing has changed except that there is more closeness, there is more Texas. there is more Country Chris believes there is too much that he can almost touch the music without a guitar right now... without any instrument.

And hell there is so much Steve right now ... a quivering weak mess. All tears contained, but he is soo close and right now Chris can't believe he haven't seen what Steve saw the day he decided to fall in love with him.

Not a man, not perfect, not easy.  
Just them, as it always has been, because it's just them, because I could not belong to anyone else. Because no one else in the world, around the world. Made shit, corrupted and difficult. Could take what they've built over the years.  
And there's a dick on the bed. And there's cans of beer and a bit of Jack in the ugly carpet that Misha gave to Jesen for his birthday.  
But somehow I could not feel better in other ways.


End file.
